Unfucking Balm

Today is a momentous day. The first official batch of Pippa Porcupine’s Skin Unfucking Balm is ready. 100% guaranteed to be poison free. All plant ingredients (except the beeswax. There will be a vegan version up next though.) No bullshit. Extensively tested on my mum. I made it to meet a very specific need, which was to make my skin less fucked up. It really takes the itch out of life.


Get some here, get some now.
Pippa Porcupine’s Skin Unfucking Balm (30ml) – £6.50 
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For the following skin problems: dry, angry, inflamed, itchy, scaly skin, insect bites, eczema, everything gone to shit, is this leprosy? Why is my skin like this? Allergic rashes, nettle stings, contact dermatitis, friction burns, rug burns, shaving burns, sick burns, your face, that weird rash you got off that person when you were drunk that one time, probably not herpes.

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Does this adorable sloth make you feel itchy? Don’t scratch, balm!

Ingredients: Organic cold pressed coconut oil,  Fairtrade Palestinian olive oil, pure beeswax, organic locally purchased almond oil, jojoba oil, Vitamin E, lavender and tea tree essential oils.

Now, you’re probably asking: Why Is This Good?

Here’s a brief rundown.

Lavender is known for its cooling and soothing properties, and has been proven in actual science labs to show anti-inflammatory and painkilling action. Here’s a link to a study they did on rats, if you like that kind of thing.

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Tea tree has been used for thousands of years to heal troubled skin. It’s anti-bacterial, fungal, microbial etc, helping to heal sore and broken skin.

The range of oils are specially chosen for their range of moisturising and protective properties, while the beeswax provides a protective, moisture-retaining barrier on the skin. Bees are fucking cool, we need more bee farms, bee farms everywhere.

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Give me bees or give me a slow death by starvation 😦

Vitamin E is a badass antioxidant, protecting both the product and your skin, naturally. Everyone knows that coconut oil is basically magic, and olive often gets overlooked but is packed with anti-inflammatory and anti-oxidant compounds. The olive oil I used here is Fairtrade, made from hand-picked olives by traditional farmers of the West Bank, Palestine. Almond oil is light and quickly absorbed, and supports the amazing local business Sound Bites Wholefoods Co-Op.

Jojoba oil (which is actually a wax) has the same structure as the skin’s natural oil, so is easily assimilated. It was recorded as being used by Native Americans centuries ago to treat sores and wounds. It’s also the only one of my ingredients that I’d say are not safe to eat. It’s a wax. Come on. Did you really want to eat wax?

So, there’s a delightfully scientific rundown of my ingredients. Any queries, please comment or contact me!

Disclaimer: Skin Unfucking Balm is not a medical device. Will not cure leprosy, herpes, or your face. For external use only. Not tested on animals, plants or ghosts. Not licensed for sale in the UK, EU, USA or any other territory. If irritation develops, discontinue use and fling product into ritual fire while screaming the Lord’s Prayer backwards.

Pippa Porcupine’s Skin Unfucking Balm (30ml) – £6.50
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